So, before I started this blog, I first created a Twitter Account in order to get to know some folks in the online poly world. Of course, I wanted a catchy and clever moniker, so I chose @compersionator. Like a superhero promoting compersion – the happy feeling you get when your partner is finding happiness with another partner (for more on this and other awesome poly terms, please go here…). In my mind, compersion is one of the greatest features of polyamory, because it promotes the opposite of jealousy, which I believe is one of the worst features of most relationships (though I do believe it can be healthy, most people don’t deal with it well). When we can be HAPPY for one another, especially the people we love, we are truly in a better world!
So for awhile, like a naive child, I saw compersion as the “greatest thing ever invented” even though I didn’t always feel it myself. I saw this as a weakness in myself, to not always feel compersion for those that I loved. But when I felt it…gosh, that was an amazing high! Then I read this article by the amazing Ginger. In it, she talks about how compersion is overrated. At first, I was taken aback – way back! And then I started really thinking about what she says here. I then wrote a pretty lengthy reply to what she said in a comment, some of which I am directly quoting in this post – no self-plagiarism here!
Even after reading what Ginger had to say on the topic, I still feel that compersion is one of the greatest potential features of polyamory. I don’t think it’s the only great feature. And I also recognize that it isn’t always easy to accomplish. And, in fact, I don’t feel it with all of my partners all of the time. In fact, it’s really partner dependent!
For example, with Morganna, I feel compersion almost universally – when she’s happy with one of her lovers, I’m happy for her. The same goes with Chris – I feel so awesome when she’s happy! But with Gwen…well, compersion doesn’t always exist. Which really bugs me, because I love Gwen SO much, and I really want her to be SO happy – and so when she finds happiness with other partners, that should make me happy, right?
This feels like a deficiency, but in reality, I don’t think that’s the case. Just as I said in my previous post about “ranking” lovers, the love I feel for these three women is entirely different. The love I feel for Morganna is much different than what I feel for Chris, which is much different from what I feel for Gwen. The best words that I have to describe it is that with Gwen, I feel more of a traditional (i.e. monogamous) love than I feel with Morganna or Chris. This isn’t a deficiency, it’s fact of who I am. I am a deeply romantic person, and my entire life has been defined by these romantic notions. And the connection I initially made with Gwen was a very romantic one.
Over time, this has been evolving, as all things do. I now feel full compersion for Gwen and her husband when they are together. And I am starting to feel compersion for her and the boyfriend she had when I first met her (they had been together for a couple of months prior to me entering the picture). I also had a lot of trouble compersing for Gwen when she and her husband started dating another couple.
In my reply to Ginger’s post, I pointed out that jealousy is like a cancer. It is a negative emotion that, if not processed, will eat away at us and destroy us from the inside out. We can’t ignore it, but we also can’t just accept it and not try to work through it. As Ginger points out, we must “feel our feelings” – if we don’t, if we hide from them, we’re not living authentically, which is so important to do if we want to engage in ethical relationships.
Once more, I find myself seeing the wisdom of these words not just for poly folk, but also for my monogamous friends. Because jealousy is not exclusive to us non-monogamous types. The jealousy in a monogamous relationship might come from a partner spending too much time with friends, or too much time at work, or that cute person that just started working with our partner. No matter what the source of our jealousy, we need to come to terms with it. And hopefully search for a path to compersion – to find happiness in the happiness of those we love. Send love, and get love back. It’s a beautiful thing!
It's Not About the Sex 
I know that there’s not ONE PERFECT way for a poly-lifestyle. Even though I’ve met a lot of people who proclaim that every poly-relationship has to be X and Y and Z, otherwise you suck at living poly and your relationship is crappy. Anyways.
I’ve had this (for me) weird experience when my bf (C) and his bf (F) had their anniversary. So C bought rings for them, F planned a dinner at a fancy restaurant and I was just so happy that they were happy. Even if their anniversary turned out different than they expected. 😉 I am happy when C told me that after quite a while he and F had had sex again. And there was this one instance when I was so happy for them (I can’t remember the exact circumstances) that I had tears in my eyes.
Then again, C and I talked about compersion when it comes to his sleeping with other people. Or, well, I’m not quite sure if you can call it compersion in that context. He said that he likes the thought of F sleeping with other guys, because it is F. And while I’m okay with his sleeping with other guys, I’m not, “yay! go you! awesome! tell me ALL about it!” I am not even sure if I WANT to feel that way.
I don’t think that you can force compersion. If you feel it, you feel it. If you don’t, then you don’t. Maybe one day you feel it in a relationship and then the next day, with the same person, you don’t. Or it’s the other way round: you haven’t felt it in a relationship for days, weeks, months and suddenly it’s there. And I also don’t think that it is a deficiancy if you don’t feel compersion. It just is.
On a different note:
I think the jealousy in a monogamous relationship you described can also occur in a poly relationship. Namely if one part feels neglected, whether this “neglection” actually happens or not. I wanted to say “justified”, but every feeling we have is real and thus justified.
I’m kind of torn on the whole compersion subject. I *don’t* see jealousy as a cancer, but more like a “fever” which is, in and of itself, beneficial. A fever is uncomfortable, but essential to the process of healing, much like jealousy. It’s only when it gets out of control and takes over, that it becomes harmful, and can cause permanent damage. My main problem with compersion is that it’s held up as The Golden Ticket in PolyLand. I don’t quite buy it. I love my people, and I am happy that they are happy. But compersion, per se? Meh. ~Ginger
I would argue that YOU be happy that THEY are happy IS compersion! When you’re not happy at their happiness, that’s a symptom of jealousy!
I do like your metaphor of jealousy as a fever. But fever is a symptom. Of what, I wonder? I would say probably insecurity. I think that’s a grand analogy, actually! Sometimes the only way to kill the illness that is insecurity is a good fever of jealousy. But if we linger and dwell with that, eventually the relationship will die – it will just overheat!
Having felt compersion, I feel that it IS a golden ticket! I love when Morganna calls me and tells me about a new person, and how much fun she had! I get giddy! Almost as giddy as I get when I have a great connection to somebody. That feeling is AWESOME!
Alternately, I hate the drop in the pit of my stomach that I *sometimes* feel when I hear Gwen is with somebody else. I would much rather feel that giddiness!
Does not always feeling compersion for Gwen make me a bad mate? Does it mean I’m a failure? No, of course not! It just means I need to work on that insecurity thing. So that I can get to the point where I CAN be happy for my partner’s happiness! To me, that is a really important part of poly. 🙂
Thanks so much for your comments Ginger – I love your writing, and value your opinion so much!
I hate the word “compersion.” It is clunky, inelegant, and sounds too much like “compulsion.” And too many poly people feel compelled to pretend to joy in another’s happiness.
I love the concept, though. I live the concept.
I really feel it, though. I couldn’t be poly if I didn’t. In a fundamental way, my brain is wired to share. As long as my loves are honest with me, I don’t generally feel jealousy or envy. I feel internal insecurities, but those are rarely oriented around comparisons with my lovers’ other lovers.
I’m not Buddhist, so I have no right to appropriate the word. I’ll put it in scare quotes to show that I know that I don’t have a full understanding of the word in all its richness — “mudita,” and this is true even though I studied religion in college. I could never understand “mudita” fully after a few classes on Buddhism. Here’s a great discussion of it: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/various/wheel170.html I love what I understand of the world, and it feels better on my tongue.
I *do* think that not feeling joy at another’s joy is a weakness and a deficiency to be overcome. Sorry, but I’m just being honest. It’s okay that not everyone feels that way. We are each on our own paths in life. In my own way, I’d like a rewrite of the status quo. I think that compersion / “mudita” is THE single most world-transforming concept in polyamory, and I wish that it were talked about more in all of these interviews that are springing up about poly all over the place. Fucking and feeling NRE chemicals for others isn’t transformative on that world and cultural level. Realizing that we don’t own, that we CAN’T own another person and taking joy in their joy IS transformative.
Imagine a poly person who is in love with two people and has a live-in partner who is also in love with two people. Now, imagine that this poly person loses both of her other loves through breakup. Now imagine that there are no likely new prospects around for dating or sex. NOW imagine that the live-in partner finds someone new and is in head-over-heels NRE.
How will the wheels stay on this poly wagon without a real and genuine “mudita?”
Thanks Quinkygirl! I shall have to read more about this “mudita” – I am truly fascinated! I do agree with you that compersion (yes, ugly word, I do agree!) is a great ideal to strive for. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a 100% full compersion, but it’s entirely worth the effort and the journey.
After reading Ginger’s other comment on here, I believe that she might be feeling compersion, but again we might have a definitional problem. How we’re defining the word might be a sticking point (reeks of our conversation about “rights” and “expectations”, eh?)
Thanks for YOUR comment, and I do look forward to reading more from you as well!
Interesting article. So far in my life, I find that I’m more likely to feel jealously concerning friends with whom I’m NOT in a relationship, than with poly lovers (and that’s not something I’ve noticed many people talking about on blogs). I get incredibly jealous when my straight, “monogamous” friends end up in relationships or hook up with women. Kind of a like a “what’s he doing that I’m not doing?” sort of thing. But within poly contexts, jealously hasn’t really been a problem.
Hmmm…that sounds a bit more like envy than jealousy, but the two are definitely related!
I feel jealousy AND envy at times with my platonic friends too…so I entirely understand what you’re saying! Thanks for the input!
I can so relate to this. The love I feel for my paramour is more the traditional romantic love than with my husband. It’s been less than a year, so it could still be NRE but I am not sure how I would feel about it if he met someone new. If he were honest about it and loved someone else, I do not own or posses him so obviously I would have to get over it but it would be hard for me to feel compersion. Ii want him to feel the same for me as I do for him (which is silly and my own insecurity). Luckily, I have many hobbies to take my mind off of it. My own jealousy really irritates me. My husband could do whatever he wanted, I love his paramour (also my paramour’s wife, and I feel compersion for them too) and would be so happy for him if he found another love and she made him happy my only stipulations would be about our children. I get it though.
The way we feel for our various lovers varies so because love is so much like a snowflake or a fingerprint – no two loves will ever be the same. Thanks for sharing!
For a long time, I didn’t understand compersion. But that’s only because I didn’t fall in love for a second time until later in life. Then I realized the true nature of polyamory. It’s not about loving more than one because one isn’t enough. It’s about loving more than one because the heart has infinite room. My love for one neither diminishes nor replaces my love for another. Being brought up to believe monogamy was the only way and hearing that terrible marriage vow ‘forsaking all others,’ it made sense why I felt so overpowered by the green-eyed monster. Learning that I didn’t have to live that way has helped my heart to heal and look forward to love again. My biggest fears, however, would be if whoever I’m with starts getting interested in a family member I’m not close with or a former nemesis from high school (lol).