Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – Poly Style!

Hello once more, dear readers. Today, I’m going to address another area of non-monogamy which I find a bit problematic. So, here’s my usual disclaimer: I understand that for some people, the type of arrangement I’m about to explore works very well. As with anything related to relationships, results will vary. I’m making some broad generalizations because…well because that’s the role of the person who purports to give relationship advice of any kind. We must make broad generalizations when writing for “the public.” Should anybody out there want some personalized advice for their particular situation, I do encourage you to contact me! Every rule does have exceptions!

OK, disclaimer out of the way. What is this “don’t ask, don’t tell” (abbreviated from here on out as DADT) policy that I speak of ? This style of open relationship is when a couple has permission to “play” with others outside of their relationship, as long as they don’t have to share any information about these liaisons with the other. I’ve met some couples who self-identify as polyamorous and live under these rules. I’ve met other couples who started in a DADT style of relationship, and morphed into what I call “full poly.”  Again, I try to be cognizant of not claiming that my form of poly is the best and most righteous of all forms of poly. However, I do believe that non-monogamy is a sort of spectrum of ethics – on one extreme side is the standard cheater – somebody who is entirely dishonest with his or her partner as they engage with one or more other partners. On the extreme opposite side of that spectrum is “full on” polyamory, which as I define it, includes full openness and honesty, and as much equality and respect for all parties involved as humanly possible. DADT seems to fall somewhere in the middle of all of this, but it seems a bit more problematic than it might at first seem. I have identified four major pitfalls of the DADT style of relationship.

Issue Number One: Some people are engaged in this type of relationship under entirely false pretenses. These are the people that claim their long-term partner is aware of the non-monogamous nature of the relationship, but just isn’t aware of the details. I’ve talked to several people (men and women) who insist that their partner must know that they’re sleeping around, but just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I ask them, was there ever an explicit conversation saying that such an arrangement is what they both want, and invariably they say: “not exactly” – followed up by, “but I’m pretty sure they’re doing the same thing” or “this takes the pressure of them to satisfy [insert need here].” Ultimately, these people are really just cheaters, but have done a very good job of rationalizing and justifying their behavior. Why? Because nobody wants to hurt their partner – and if we think they implicitly know about what we’re doing, then we’re absolved of guilt. The thing is, without the explicit conversation to discuss the boundaries of such an arrangement, ethical non-monogamy isn’t truly taking place.

Issue Number Two: The person dating a DADT person can never be truly sure where they stand. This is almost the flip side of the first issue. Because you are never allowed to speak to the other partner, as your existence is “disavowed,” you can never be truly sure where you stand in the relationship. For all you know, the person who you’re in a DADT relationship with is actually just a flat out cheater – and is leading you to believe that the other partner is fully aware of the situation. And even if the other partner is fully aware that you exist in some vague way, you have no protection against that partner pulling the plug on the relationship altogether, because of…

Issue Number Three: What we don’t know is so much worse than what we do know. What I mean by this is that when our partner is with somebody else, we are painting this other person to be everything we’re not. Not being able to see or meet this other person makes us so uncomfortable – he must have a great big cock or she must have the flattest tummy. These “others” in our partners’ lives get so built up in our minds, that our insecurities almost invariably will begin to flare, and that old friend, jealousy, will rear it’s ugly head. Though I’ve never really been involved in a DADT situation, I do remember when I first started dating Gwen, and she had already been involved with another man for several months. It took almost two months to finally meet him, and in that time, I had built him up so much in my head, that I was extremely insecure. Meeting him changed so much for me – he wasn’t at all what I pictured in my head, and indeed was somebody I wasn’t worried about at all.

Issue Number Four: You are a secret. If you’re the lover of a person in a DADT relationship, you are essentially a secret. DADT couples are generally not very open about the openness of their relationship status with others. In my experience, they are the least likely to be telling their friends and family about this arrangement, which necessitates a certain amount of secrecy on the part of the partners engaging in the relationship. Meeting in secret  can be fun from time to time. A little mystery can be quite exciting. But when you’re never able to go to a restaurant together, or to a movie, or just walk hand in hand down the street, for fear of being “caught” by somebody who knows your partner…well, then it just feels like you’re a party to cheating. I think that very few people enjoy always being a secret. It takes away our agency, our ability to BE a person in the life of somebody who we really care about. Part of our identity can never be truly known. I think this is ultimately damaging and dehumanizing to our self-esteem and self-worth.

After reviewing these issues, I must confess, I don’t see the benefit of the DADT relationship. It seems to be bad for all involved in the relationship. If it’s strictly an occasional sexual fling, then maybe this would work. But I still feel that the jealousy thing would arise. Ultimately, I feel that anybody approaching the DADT relationship should question why they’re opening up their relationship at all. Full honesty, openness and disclosure are, in my opinion, hallmarks of healthy and strong relationships. DADT is based on a lack of openness and disclosure, and therefore is inherently damaging to relationships.

I would love to hear from any of my readers who have done DADT, and found it successful. Share your stories, as I would love to be enlightened on this! Have a lovely week everybody!